THIS is the nuance I’ve been looking for in learning about narcissism.
Because in my experience, narcissists CAN be vulnerable & self-reflective, but often only to the extent that it allows them to rationalize their abusive behavior and/or get what they want out of a situation.Â
The book I’m reading, The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza, is so great
w/r/t explaining the insidiousness of this type, which is so often missed because most people think of narcissists as being unabashedly grandiose & overtly abusive like Donald Trump.*Â
BUT she’s too black-and-white in her characterization of covert narcissists, as if every single CN is 100% calculated in
their manipulative behavior at all times, as opposed to sometimes lashing out uncontrollably when their ego gets bruised & then scrambling to patch things up so they don’t lose their narcissistic supply bc they accidentally unmasked
too much in their panic.
P.S. Limiting narcissistic grandparents’ access to their grandchildren
in response to toxic behavior is a sure-fire way to trigger
even more overtly manipulative/entitled/aggressive/self-pitying/abusive
behavior, it seems.
I'm undecided on how calculated this is. Their behavior is in objectively obvious conflict with their goal of MORE access, but maybe that kind of lashing out works on targets who are
still under their thumb? Thoughts?
*I have a hunch men are more likely to suffer from this more obvious
version of NPD than women. But that’s another conversation.